Eva Menagerie
by Tereya
Summary: A collection of humor one-shots and omake from various stories, all in one place. (I feel bad for what I put the characters through. Really I do)
1. My Dear Sweet One

One Shot: 01  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion. Please don't sue.  
  
A/N: It's WOMK, all Omake, all the time! Wai wai!   
  
This is a collection of omakes I've made for various stories. I've decided to archive them all together so that they can be easily read without wading through story archives. They usually don't have anything to do with any particular story and tend to stand alone as self-sufficient one-shots.  
  
(To fully appreciate this section take careful note of the format, ' ' indicates thought, " " indicates spoken dialogue and everything else is what's happening normally. I tried to make that evident but it's easy to glance over without noticing it.)  
  
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'With inspired grace Sohryu Asuka Langley stepped up to the entry plug for the magnificent Evangelion Unit 02. For everyone watching she decided to put on a little show before the main event. Her hand snaked out sensuously to caress the beast which she had taken years to tame. In the years of their union it had always been a reliable ally and obedient slave to it's beautiful mistress.'  
  
Mimicking the thought, the red plugsuit-clad individual gazed into the mirror and marveled at the beauty there, fantasy overlapping reality.  
  
'Leaning in, the illustrious pilot let her fingers caress down over the armour shell which kept her safe, which protected her. Her appreciation for it showed on her face as she gazed at the ultimate fighting vanguard with half lidded eyes. She leaned her body against the behemoth, feeling it's power radiating from it even in it's dormant state. The catalyst, which was the lovely german girl, would soon ignite its reason for being and send them into the annals of history. At this thought her cheek made contact with the cool surface and she let out a shuddered breath.'  
  
Fantasy once again gave way to reality as a breath caused mirrored glass to become clouded with condensation. The coolness of the mirror snapping the lone person's eyes back open to gaze once again upon the visage lying therein. Red, so much beautiful red.  
  
'The bridge crew must have been in awe by now. The young girl's body pressing close to the one thing she thought she loved most in the world would certainly raise all kinds of thoughts in the minds of everyone there. Sohryu Asuka Langley smirked as she thought of the power she had over both man, and beast.'  
  
A lush red mane swirled as the storyteller spun happily, only to collapse on the bed in a breathless heap.  
  
'With an elegant sensuality never before seen by anyone in the cage, the redheaded beauty slid into her entry plug and awaited launch.'  
  
"Evangelion Unit 02, ready for launch!"  
  
'A smirk played across the lips of the german girl, she knew this fight would be over in a matter of seconds. Nothing in this universe could withstand the awesome might of her and her trusted barbarian. Moments passed slowly which was obviously the only reprieve the Angel had.'  
  
"This will be easy."  
  
'The arrogance in her voice was only matched by the skill with which she piloted. Unfortunately though, even with her years of training and her complete trust in the mighty red machine, she was taken by surprise at the top of the launch lift.'  
  
Upon the bed a ball of red cried out, "Ahh! No! How could-!" it thrashed as if tortured by invisible hands.  
  
'The Angel had sensed her arrival! It was ready for her! With a multitude of glowing tentacles it lashed out and caught the hapless heroine steadfast! With even more it began pummeling her and whipping her beloved Unit 02, all feeling shooting through it and directly into her nervous system. She felt every stinging whip, every bludgeoning impact... she shared its pain as one would wish to share the pain of a dear loved one... she was helpless...'  
  
"No! NO! How could this happen!?"  
  
'She began to sob, she was helpless and weak, she was at the end... she would be killed by these unfeeling monstrosities! These blatant afronts to everything good! Angels, indeed...'  
  
"No! Please, no!" A red gloved hand reached up to the ceiling as if to pull support directly from the heavens. Instead the hand shook and fell back to the bed, denied.  
  
'No... this can't happen... if this happens I... I'll never see HIM again! Oh please, PLEASE! I never told him I loved him!'  
  
"Help me... Shinji! SHINJI! I need you!"  
  
The figure on the bed stopped dead, out of breath and two heartbeats short.  
  
The door had opened.  
  
Misato stared at the sight before her, her mouth hung open and her hand was limp on the doorframe. She barely managed to whisper, "oh... my..."  
  
Through the tangled locks of a red-dyed mop Ikari Shinji stared at his guardian in the doorway, then promptly fainted.  
  
After the briefest of moments, Misato slowly slid the door closed wondering how Shinji had gotten the plugsuit for Unit 02 out of headquarters. This was a serious breach in security... and a serious blackmail opportunity.  
  
Misato ran/stumbled off to find her camera. 


	2. Every Lesson Learned

One Shot: 02  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion. Please don't sue.  
  
A/N: Here's another. It may not be standard practice but doing them this way is more fun for me when I read them. Maybe I'm just biased, or I rely too heavily on a good setup. Who knows?  
  
Once again this is an omake, a bonus writing. Nothing in this short piece has any bearing what-so-ever on any actual storyline. It's as if it never happened, it's strictly for entertainment purposes.  
  
This omake in NO WAY is meant to make fun of nationalities, languages, or the barriers that naturally arise between them. It is meant in good fun and if anyone is offended by it please let me know and I will remove it promptly.   
  
A note about reading it: If you have trouble with a phrase please just say it out loud. Some will be more apparent than others. Try different pronunciations of the letters provided. I tried to make them somewhat phonetic. Remember, it's a japanese boy trying to pronounce them so try to use japanese pronunciations for the romanji letters. (Did I even come CLOSE to doing this right? *cower*)  
  
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Shinji Ikari slowly closed the worn notebook he had been studying intently. An uncharacteristic smile adorned his face and indicated to anyone who might have been watching that he was very pleased with himself.  
  
'Soon...' he thought, 'I know each of them inside and out... I will use them soon.'  
  
If this were some type of movie or television program one might expect the camera to pan away from our protagonist and show his environment. If it did one might even notice that the boy had been studying in his room and as the camera panned away you would be able to see the apartment complex he called home. With further panning one could see the city in which he lived and which he routinely saved from the grotesque monstrosities which threatened it. If the camera were to pan, and this indeed was a television program, or movie, one would then hear maniacal laughter from the apartment building in which the boy resides. One would fully expect the boy to have his face twisted up into the maddened mask of a lunatic.  
  
Instead, as the camera pans away and we hear the maniacal laughter, one Ikari Shinji rouses himself back out of bed, where he had just gotten comfortable, and shouts at the wall between apartments, "Shut UP in there!"  
  
--------------------+---------  
  
Breakfast for Katsuragi Misato the next morning consisted of one well burnt piece of toast and three cans of Yebisu beer. She claimed the beer allowed her to stomach the taste of the burnt toast, but Shinji was skeptical considering how long the woman had held the handle down on the toaster... against the toaster's protests to relinquish said toast.  
  
"Shinji-kun, what are you going to do today?" Misato asked casually, she had already informed her charge that she was needed at headquarters to work on some reports and, at Dr. Akagi's request, to get a physical. Both were explained when the phrases "missing diesel," "frat party" and "funnel-guzzling" were muttered under the woman's breath.  
  
"I-I'm going over to Ayanami's for a little while." He dreaded telling her this since he knew she would pester and tease him about it for days, but decided that he needed to let her know since she was his guardian.  
  
As expected, Misato leered at Shinji and asked, "Oh? Got a hot date?"  
  
And, as expected, Shinji blushed furiously, avoiding her gaze, "N-no... I have to give her some notes from class due to her recent absence. The Class Representative asked me to deliver them and explain anything Ayanami didn't understand."  
  
Misato smirked while drinking her beer, nearly inadvertantly choking on it and wasting the precious fluid, 'He'll be there awhile then.' she thought sarcastically.  
  
Shinji finished his own toast and stood up, "I'm going now, Misato-san." He gathered the notebook he had been carrying and the papers for Ayanami, then headed for the door.  
  
"I'll see you later, 'su-itu sai-su'"  
  
And with that, he left.  
  
Misato stared after the boy, pausing in mid drink, 'su-itu sai-su?'  
  
-------------------/---------  
  
Ayanami Rei did not answer so Shinji opened the door slightly and called in, "Is anyone here? Ayanami-san?"  
  
After a moment he heard her soft voice call to him, "Come in, Ikari-kun."  
  
Shinji smiled his kind, warm smile and stepped through the door, "Thanks, 'bei-bi keiku-su'"  
  
-------------------pi---------  
  
With a heavy sigh Shinji finally opened the door to what he now considered his home. "I'm home!" he called to the rest of the house, only to be greeted by one.  
  
"Well, welcome back Baka-Shinji." Asuka shot at the boy, who had barely enough time to shield himself against it with a hastily erected wall around his ego made from the tissue paper of his soul.  
  
Deciding to finally be on the high ground in his relationship with the arrogant german girl Shinji smirked, causing her to blink in surprise, then said firmly, "Hi there, 'jigoo-li jah-gusu', what's on your 'hah-tu and tempu-ting mai-n-dou'?"  
  
The girl stared, completely shocked out of her wits. "Sh-Shinji, what did you just say?"  
  
Wearing a similarly arrogant smirk to the one usually aimed at him Shinji laughed slightly, "What's the matter, 'ha-ni lipu-su'? Did I 'boo-loh yoo-er mai-n-dou'?"  
  
Asuka, finally registering what was said, suddenly turned very red... and Shinji didn't think it was from embarrassment.  
  
"J-J-JIGOO-LI JAH-GU-SU!!?"   
  
Shinji winced, all mirth and arrogance wiped clean from his face. Something wasn't right here.  
  
"Uh, Asuka... I..."  
  
Asuka advanced on the boy, "You WHAT!?" she stomped forward, eyes flaring anger and the promise of severe bodily harm.  
  
"I-I..." Shinji cringed and the notebook he was carrying fell to the floor, opening up to a well worn page in the middle.  
  
Asuka glanced down at the book momentarily, only distracted by the movement, until she noticed familiar romanji characters next to kanji ones.  
  
"Wait a minute..." she said angrily. She bent down and looked more closely at the page in the notebook. Shinji's quivering and whimpering was dying down and he finally got up the nerve to peek over Asuka's shoulder.  
  
"uh..."  
  
Asuka whipped around and stared at Shinji, "WHERE!?"  
  
Shinji cringed back again and stuttered, "Wh-where what?"  
  
"WHERE did you get this!?" she yelled, pointing at the notebook.  
  
Shinji whimpered inwardly, he didn't want to say... he didn't want her to know... he didn't want to feel the wrath he knew should be aimed at someone else whom she felt wouldn't deserve it... even if it was true.  
  
"K-Kaji-san..."  
  
Asuka looked for a moment like she was about to pummel the helpless boy into something normally found on the bottom of her Unit 02's foot, but she suddenly relaxed. "Is that the truth?" she asked calmly, realizing with regret that Kaji was probably the only one the pilot knew who COULD have provided him with the information. At the moment she wasn't sure who she was more disappointed with.  
  
Shinji nodded his head vigorously then began to ramble as quickly as his mouth would let him, "Yes! It is! I was walking home from headquarters a few weeks ago and he was coming out of a bar, he was drunk... you know like Misato drunk, I think even worse... I dunno... anyway he was staggering out and I said 'Hey Kaji' and he said," Shinji lowered his voice in a useless immitation of Kaji's voice "'Hey Shinji' and then we got to talking and he told me a bunch of english words and phrases he said would really impress people and woul-" he stopped suddenly.  
  
"Would... what...?" Asuka asked tersely.  
  
Shinji gulped, "Would... get me... girls..."  
  
Asuka's eye twitched. At that moment she almost decided to give the notebook back to the boy and let him dig his own grave, especially after the confession he just stammered. Instead she let the little angel... who normally was locked up tight in a deep dark dungeon in the deepest recesses of her sadistic mind, out... and gave heed to her tiny, angelic words.  
  
"Shinji, those... phrases..." Asuka began.  
  
The door to the apartment suddenly opened and both Children turned to see Ayanami Rei peek her head in, then in her quiet monotone ask, "Is 'bii-gu dah-di' Ikari home? I've come for my 'hah-tu lov-en'."  
  
--------------------------------  
  
A/N: Just in case my phonetics aren't what I hoped...  
  
'su-itu sai-su' = "sweet thighs"  
  
'bei-bi keiku-su' = "baby cakes"  
  
'jigoo-li jah-gusu' = "jiggly jugs"  
  
'hah-tu and tempu-ting mai-n-dou' = "hot and tempting mind" (?)  
  
'ha-ni lipu-su' = "honey lips"  
  
'boo-loh yoo-er mai-n-dou' = "blow your mind"  
  
'bii-gu dah-di' = "big daddy"  
  
'hah-tu lov-en' = "hot loving"  
  
I just know I'm going to hell for this...  
  
This is also subject to editing, I wasn't happy with the phrases I chose. 


	3. The Consequence Of Self

One Shot: 03  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion. Please don't sue.  
  
A/N: A warning about the content, it's 3am and I have to be to work in 4 hours for a meeting. I CANNOT sleep until this is out of my head. Believe me, I've tried. It being the time of night it is, and the kind of day I had... please forgive me.  
  
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"Oh my GOD! Look at these melons!"  
  
Shinji hurriedly looked over Kaji's shoulder after the unshaven man let loose his outburst. The older gentleman (in the loosest of definitions) had just flipped a page and was caught off guard by two enormous, perfectly formed globes.  
  
Shinji groaned with desire, "Oh man, I'd love to sink my teeth into one of those..." which earned him a proud smile from his elder.  
  
"Shinji my boy, you are looking at some of the finest things nature ever made. Just look at them, they're beautiful... their size, their heft... you don't find perfection like that just anywhere."  
  
Shinji nodded, listening intently. "Certainly not in this household." he muttered.  
  
"WHAT was that!?" the shrill voice made both males in the room freeze with fear. Katsuragi Misato had been listening to their entire conversation and was waiting for just the right incriminating evidence to unleash her fury.  
  
Shinji smirked and in a casual tone said to Kaji, "All she ever buys is instant food. Fresh fruit like watermelons is beyond her."  
  
Kaji nodded in understanding.  
  
Misato blinked, "What are you two talking about?"  
  
"Melons" they both said in unison.  
  
Misato narrowed her eyes and glanced over Kaji's shoulder. Then with an enlightened "Ohhhhhh" took in the gardening magazine they were perusing. She read off one of the tag lines, "Seeds Every Garden Needs, Don't Spill It Just Anywhere"  
  
The woman was convinced there was sexual innuendo here someplace and she was a little perturbed it eluded her.  
  
"I'm heading to my room. Thanks for getting me the poster, Kaji-san." Shinji waved the rolled up poster as he started out of the room.  
  
"Hold it, Shinji-kun" Misato said getting in front of him. Shinji stopped and looked up at his guardian.  
  
"And just what kind of poster did HE get you?" the venom in her voice aimed at the unshaven super-spy, nay Debonaire Spy Extraordinaire, was more than evident.  
  
Shinji unrolled the poster and aimed it at her, "Melons." Misato gasped and looked away. Kanji grinned and said, "Now those are indeed some nice melons."  
  
Misato whirled on Kaji and very nearly shouted, "They're... UNNATURAL! They're gigantic! Where could you find watermelons that large in nature?"  
  
Kaji knew this was coming and was prepared. He stood up and assumed a defiant posture. He picked up his straw hat from where it lay on the table and placed it back on his head. Misato finally noticed that he was wearing denim coveralls and had a hoe in one hand.  
  
Kaji sighed, shaking his head from side to side... and finally did what he knew he had to.  
  
He put his hoe down.  
  
"Misato, you're stupid... and you smell."  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Minutes later a loud "OH SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT TRIES TO KILL US!" overlapped the loud shouting in the kitchen drawing it to a close.  
  
"I think that was Shinji." Misato gasped.  
  
Kaji nodded and they both ran to the boys room.  
  
Throwing the door open Misato cried out, "Shinji!? Are you ok?" only to be met with his usual whimpering.  
  
"Oh, he's fine."  
  
Kaji wasn't so easily dissuaded though. "What's the matter, Shinji?"  
  
Shinji held up his hand with a bit of blood dripping from the nail on his thumb. "I hammered my thumb putting the nail in for that poster you got me."  
  
Misato and Kaji looked and found the poster, framed and leaning against the wall awaiting elevation. A small nail stuck out of the wall at an odd angle and a small splatter of blood colored the wall next to it.  
  
"Awww, are you ok?" Misato took Shinji's hand in hers gingerly and assessed the damage. "You should be fine, just be more careful."   
  
Shinji nodded and stuck the thumb in his mouth. "I'll go bandage it up once I get the nail in... assuming there isn't any more damage."  
  
All Kaji and Misato heard was, "Mph mphlff molfphilumph mph lumph umhp." around the boys thumb.  
  
Misato rolled her eyes but Kaji nodded sagely.  
  
"And you say these pipecleaners will keep aliens from reading my thoughts?"  
  
Misato eyed Kaji curiously for a moment... before unceremoniously shoving him out the door. The loud crash she heard next was very satisfying.  
  
Shinji picked the hammer back up and held the nail straight. He took a deep, steadying breath. Something felt very ominous... A long, deep, forboding silence hung in the air...  
  
With a swift movement of his young arm the hammer head met the nail perfectly, sending it deep into the wall. After just the barest of moments when Shinji and Misato thought everything was fine... a loud "CRACK" was heard inside the wall... accompanied by a line shooting through the paint, straight up the wall.  
  
Shinji and Misato blinked at the damage.  
  
"Well, that-"  
  
Shinji's guardian was cut off... a loud rumbling from the ceiling, right around where the crack had disappeared, overruled her voice completely. A loud "BOOM" was then heard from above which made both occupants of the room jump suddenly.  
  
A huge metallic groan began throughout the apartment complex. Suddenly, a deafening crashing issued from all around. The building toppled over and crashed through the street at ground level... collapsing into a portion of the geofront below.  
  
----------------------  
  
"GREAT VOLES OF RAPTURE! WHAT'S GOING ON!?"  
  
Ignoring the obviously stupid cry, Ibuki Maya answered the question as was her duty to the Commander. "Section R-030 has just collapsed! No blue pattern detected!"  
  
Composing himself quickly, Ikari Gendo stared straight ahead at Rei's test plug through the glass. In his deep, commanding, I'm-too-cool-for-emotions voice he stated, "Rei, exit the plug and come to my office."  
  
Rei's quiet voice was clipped, "Hai."  
  
Gendo stalked purposefully to the little mini-elevator and depressed a button. "Stay here and monitor what happens."  
  
Maya stared dumbfounded at the Commander, "Sir?"  
  
Without another word the man descended out of sight.  
  
Ibuki Maya quietly placed her resignation notice on the terminal she was working on and made her way quickly to the nearest exit.  
  
------------------------  
  
Kaoru hummed quietly to himself in the tub. Bathing certainly was an enjoyable pass-time, he had to give the Lilim credit for that alone at least. A loud booming sound from above made him stop momentarily and gaze at the ceiling.  
  
A giant slab of the ceiling with thousands of tons of steel, concrete, earth, buried mob hits, and boogers from kids putting them under chairs and desks, crashed down into the last Angel's bath. The slab landed directly on the boy's legs, torso and arms, leaving his head to pop off and go flying through the swinging doors from the compression of his body under so much weight.  
  
The 17th Angel having died, there was nothing standing in the way of Third Impact... and Ikari Gendo's desires coming to fruition.  
  
Except said 17th Angel's head.  
  
--------------------------  
  
Out of sheer surprised instinct Ayanami Rei caught a bloody head as it came flying down the hall towards her. Not knowing what to do she immediately stuffed it against her chest "right in the breadbasket" as the Commander had shown her all those years ago when he had attempted to use her and the clones as the perfect Football team. She ran faster, her mind back in the grueling training the Commander had put on the sleight girls.  
  
"We'll surely win," he had stated at the time, "we have your AT fields and the element of surprise. Who would think a bunch of girls could play Football?"  
  
He had guffawed.  
  
Rei's face drew into a grim determination as she ran into the Commander's office. "Underestimate females, will you!?" she shouted in an uncharacteristic display of un-Rei-ness.   
  
The Commander had just enough time to glance up and say, "FOR THE LOVE OF-" before the perfect spiral of Kaoru's head, thrown by one Ayanami Rei, connected with the bridge of his nose and knocked him out cold.  
  
After a quick victory dance Rei picked up Kaoru's head again and spiked it unwittingly against the Commander's own once more, sending him into the eternal slumber and afterlife with an incredible headache.  
  
-------------------------  
  
All throughout Tokyo 3 buildings crashed down as the internal structures buckled and cracked. Within moments even the office of the late Ikari Gendo (may his soul forever rest basted in honey and staked to an anthill) was collapsing.  
  
Ayanami Rei glanced up just in time to see the ceiling collapse upon her, shoving her body against the upturned hand of Ikari Gendo (which contained Adam) and effectively initiating Third Impact.  
  
With noone in the immediate vicinity to take initiative during the act, and noone alive for miles around, It fell to the next sentient lifeform on the earth to take responsibility. At a small zoo, in an old aquarium in the middle of Japan, a dolphin named Holly was made the center of existence.  
  
Holly wished for fish.  
  
------------------------------  
  
And thus it was shown how one Ikari Shinji, uncharacteristically thinking of himself for once... doing something for himself and finally living as everyone supposed he was meant to...  
  
Ikari Shinji, subject to other's encouragement to not act so apologetic, to live life like a normal boy...   
  
Ikari Shinji, who, going against his own nature and placing one single, simple item of decoration in his room...  
  
...was responsible for the end of civilization as we know it.  
  
Way to go, doofus. 


	4. Rei Day

One-Shot: 04  
  
A/N: Ok, this is getting a little weird. I couldn't do anything until I got this out of my head. To anyone waiting for my other story/stories, I'm sorry. Each time I try to write something with thoughts like this in my mind it shows through in what I write. My serious fics become strange and (to me) humorous. This just came out of nowhere and wouldn't let my brain go until I had it written down.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Welcome, everyone, to the first annual 'Rei Day!'" the normally stoic commander stated brightly from the podium. The hastily erected stage sat in front of Eva Unit 00, dwarfed by it's immense size.  
  
A collection of noises issued from the gathered crowd. Some woops of approval, some groans of disdain.  
  
Ikari Gendou continued without hesitation as the reactions died down, "The day in which we all show our appreciation for The First Children..."  
  
An unthinking, and soon to be detained grunt in the back (one Toshikawa Hideki, master electrician, all around nice guy and dart champion at the local bar) asked quietly of noone in particular, "You mean there's more than one First Child?"  
  
A rumble of Section-2 officers quickly silenced, then hogtied the young man, breaking his dart-throwing arm. (For posterity, one had said. One Nagahisa Yuki, the next in line for the dart championship title)  
  
With a deep cough the commander drew attention back to the podium while clearing his throat. "As I was saying, the day in which we show our appreciation for The First Children: Ayanami Rei!"  
  
The collection of people clapped, some wholeheartedly, some halfheartedly, and some with severe distaste as the aforementioned quiet albino walked in her usual manner onto the stage.  
  
Beaming with pride, with hoots and catcalls, Ikari Gendou ushered the young girl to the podium and leaned to the mic, "A few words from the guest of honor!" He began clapping harder and stepped back so the girl could have access to the electronic device.  
  
A deathly silence fell as Rei took in her surroundings. The commander had gone all out and turned a good portion of the Eva cages into something of a festival. There were booths to try one's hand at shooting and various skills, games to play, food to eat, attractions to visit. With the overhead lights off and the strings of lanterns and lights blazing among the booths it was hard to tell you were miles underground. The darkness above seemed to be a starless sky with the exception of one single light above. The bulb was a cool blue in a childish attempt to look like the moon.  
  
The people gathered were also in blue, both in hair and attire. Every person attending (some led forcefully at gunpoint, others skipping merrily) had dyed their hair blue, some even going so far as cutting it to emulate the First Children's own, and blue school uniforms.  
  
The silence around Ikari Shinji, who looked just darling in the seifuku he borrowed from Rei herself (feeling proud of that fact on the special day as evident by his thoughts: 'eat your heart out, Rei-otakus... you've wanted to get in her panti-') was interrupted by the very irritable (yet just as adorable) Sohryu Asuka Langley.  
  
In a hushed hiss Asuka leaned closer to Shinji and asked, "Why the hell did I have to come to this thing? Why aren't they having an 'Asuka Day?' Why are you fidgeting!?"  
  
Shinji shuffled sheepishly and blushed, "I got a wedgie."  
  
"Gah! Pervert!" the resounding slap echoed throughout the silent Eva cage.  
  
Shinji recovered slightly with a small stagger and blushed even more hotly under the scrutiny of everyone around them. The outburst had drawn most attention to him... unfortunately.  
  
"Asuka..." Shinji whispered, smiling and trying to act like everything was just fine, "you promised you'd behave."  
  
Asuka 'humphed' quietly to herself and pointedly ignoring the stares muttered out of the side of her mouth at Shinji, "This 'Klondike Bar' better be as good as you claim it is for me to put up with this. I mean Mein Gott, my hair is going to be blue for weeks!"  
  
Shinji got a faraway look in his eyes at the thought of the scrumptious treat, "Oh, it is... it is..." (He particularly enjoyed them on days when he got to watch his soap operas) A long thin line of drool found it's way to the floor from the corner of The Third Children's mouth. Thoughts of the chocolat-ey covered ice-cream-ey goodness foremost in his mind.  
  
On the stage Rei had yet to say anything and aside from the loud slap there wasn't another sound. The gathered people, all decked out in Rei-gear and awaiting the festivities where one might win Rei-plushies and assorted Rei-goodies, were hanging on every non-existant word from the girl at the podium.  
  
----------------  
  
Commander Ikari, his own school uniform strained by his large frame, pushed his glasses up on his nose and in a strange faux-girly way swiped blue hair back behind his ear. "Fuyutski..." he monotoned deliberately.  
  
The sub-commander's eyes darted sideways to their corners to peer at his one time student. He refused to move his head for fear of the blue wig reaffirming his knowledge that he was actually wearing it... and with it the schoolgirl uniform. "Yes, Ikari?"  
  
A long moment passed as the commander found the proper words...  
  
"Does this outfit make me look fat?"  
  
Sub-commander Fuyutski sighed and let out a low groan of disapproval at the situation as a whole.  
  
"I thought so..." was Ikari's reply.  
  
------------------  
  
Rei stared out at the expanse of people gathered. They all stared at her, some with red contacts, and awaited her words. She had known what the commander was up to and had insisted he didn't need to attempt it. She appreciated, in her own way, his efforts but she appreciated more... a quiet evening at home.  
  
Glancing one way, and then to the next, she finally gazed at every person present. She gained each of their attention nearly on an individual level creating a great bond between herself and her audience. It was as if she was speaking to each and every one of them gathered on a one-on-one basis when she finally uttered...  
  
"Baka."  
  
With that, she walked off the stage and back through the doors towards the exit... and her quiet evening at home.  
  
Amidst the stares of utter disbelief Gendou finally lunged at the microphone, his face aghast. Attempting to salvage what was left of the evening he yelled in an attempted jovial tone, "Okay... then! Let's all Rei-i-fy ourselves!"  
  
And as one, the conglomeration of people did just that... they walked home in silence. Even the ones that drove.  
  
---------------------  
  
A/N: Honestly, I don't like this one at all. I love the idea but I hate my follow through. I'm sorry about the quality... but again, if I don't put up my crap I won't ever put anything up. Perhaps I can edit sometime... until then, gomen. -_- 


	5. Questionable Intentions

One-Shot: 05  
  
Rei looked down with her ever-present stoic demeanor.  
  
"You understand?"  
  
Rei responded curtly, "Hai."  
  
"Good! Then get the hell out of here!"  
  
The blue haired albino turned and walked calmly away from the stone circle, her school bag clasped before her in both hands. She needed to find the Third Children, Ikari Shinji.  
  
---------------------------  
  
"Ikari-kun, thank you again for helping."  
  
Horaki Hikari smiled with unrestrained appreciation at the young boy who, in turn, blushed and offered a shy smile back.  
  
"It's alright, Class Representative, I don't have to be home to start dinner for a little while and I only have a stop or two to make on the way. I have plenty of time to help."  
  
Shinji's smile slipped slowly into a wan one, one where it seemed to Hikari that he had many wishes and expectations that might never be realized. It was a happy smile, she though, happy at having what he did have and appreciating it... but it was also a sad smile, sad for more reasons than she thought she could ever fathom.  
  
Hikari wasn't sure if the time he spent helping her clean the classroom was good for him or not, but hoped that it helped in some way. She really wished he could be happier.  
  
"Ikari-kun, you don't have to call me 'Class Representative' all the time... I realize I'm in that capacity now, but..." she trailed off hoping she had said enough.  
  
Shinji finished sweeping up the small pile at his feet and glanced up at her, "O-oh... I'm sorry..." he glanced down again, slightly embarrassed.  
  
Hikari giggled softly and said something she knew he heard far too often, but couldn't help herself, "You apologize too much."  
  
Shinji wrung his hands on the broom handle nervously, then almost too low to hear he replied, "I know..." still glancing away from the brown haired girl.  
  
Seeing she wasn't going to change him overnight Hikari opted for a slow, methodical push rather than Asuka's hand-grenade subtlety. 'Maybe,' she thought to herself, 'if he can call me "Horaki-san" before the end of the week, there's hope for him.' she paused in her cleaning and frowned. 'I'd settle for "Horaki-sama"'  
  
"Horaki-san, I'm done with the sweeping. I'll go get the water."  
  
Hikari smiled brightly, "Ok! I'll finish up here and help you carry the buckets." 'That was earlier than was expected. There's more than just a little hope left for him.'  
  
Shinji stared at the beaming girl and stuttered out a quick, "N-no, that's ok. I can get them. I'll be right back." and with a forced smile he walked at a brisk pace out the door.  
  
Hikari blinked after the boy and idly thought, 'I wonder what got into him?' before resuming her task.  
  
-------------------  
  
Outside the classroom Ikari Shinji stalked down the hall with a determined, purposeful step. His face and thoughts were nearly a direct contrast to his set pace. 'That was strange,' he though, 'did it make her that happy that I used her name?' His confused mind went over the snapshot of the almost comedic smile on his classmates face when he had referred to her by her family name. A small part of him, on the whim of an uncharacteristic guilty pleasure asked himself, 'I wonder what would happen if I called her "Hikari-chan."'  
  
A smile began to softly nudge the edges of his mouth upwards before he blinked sharply at the imagined result.  
  
Alas, even in his daydreams, Ikari Shinji was slated to be miserable. He could nearly feel the uncomfortableness radiating out from inside his brain where the tiny daydream had been acted out. Where most people could slay dragons, win races, become the Supreme Ruler Of The World, or "get it on" with any number of love interests in their mind's eye with merely a simple thought, Ikari Shinji could barely address a classmate as was socially acceptable as "Horaki-san." Referring to her as "Hikari-chan" was right out!  
  
With a deep, accepting-one's-reality, sigh Shinji gathered two buckets and began filling them in the sink.  
  
"Ikari-kun." a soft voice stated, attempting to draw his attention.  
  
"Ikari-kun."  
  
Shinji stared at the water filling the buckets, the loud splashing of water on hollow tin overriding the monotone voice easily.  
  
"Ikari-kun."  
  
"Ikari-kun."  
  
As the water neared the top Shinji slowed the pressure and then with a final squeak of both handles stopped the flow into the two buckets.  
  
"...gettin' kinda pissed here, ignoring me and just staring into the freaking water I mean what the hell, can't you hear me or something? I'm about point-five away from making you piss blood with a punch to your exposed kidne- Ikari-kun." the voice finally said again.  
  
Shinji was staring at Rei who had somehow (with the help of the noise from the water) snuck up on him and who was... apparently threatening him with a punch to the kidney.  
  
"A-Ayanami!" Shinji was more than a little shocked at the running dialogue, half because of what was said and half because of the calm, casual monotone it was delivered in.  
  
"Ikari-kun. I require your assistance with a matter." Rei stated quietly.  
  
After a quick blink Shinji smiled, "Oh! Ok..." he found himself smiling nearly as much as the class representative had at the thought. 'Rei... Rei sought me out, that's so unlike her!'  
  
"I'm helping Horaki-san with the classroom chores right now, can you wait until we're done? I don't want her to have to do it all by herself. The scheduled students skipped out at the last minute." Shinji hefted the two buckets out of the long sink and turned back to Rei.  
  
"I will wait." she answered quietly.  
  
Shinji's mind raced, Rei... Ayanami Rei wanted his help. It was a perfect chance to ask her about herself, learn more about her, and maybe through her to even get to know a little of his father. He began walking back towards the classroom with a lighter step than usual, even with the two buckets of dead weight.  
  
"I'll be done in a few minutes, Ayanami. I can meet you by the gate."  
  
Rei only answered with a quiet "Hai." and without another word or glance walked off towards the front of the school building.  
  
Shinji wore a slight smile through the rest of the chores.  
  
---------------------  
  
It was getting a bit later than Shinji had originally expected after finishing up helping the class representative and finally getting out the door. He was slightly worried that Rei had given up and left to go home since it had taken him so long to finish. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding when he saw the skirt of her school uniform sticking out from behind the wall near the gate.  
  
"Ayanami!" he called and picked up the pace, jogging towards her.  
  
Rei stepped from behind the wall after hearing her name and waited patiently for the young boy to catch up. Nearly out of breath he finally let out a raspy, "I'm sorry! I didn't know it would take so long."  
  
"I understand." was her only response.  
  
Rei turned and began walking away. Shinji, at a loss for something else to do, followed.  
  
After a few minutes Shinji was getting curious about Rei's intentions. She had asked for his help but hadn't said anything to him since they met at the gate. The weight of the situation was crushing Shinji mentally. 'Maybe she's mad because I was so late and doesn't want to talk about it now...' he thought with a frown.  
  
They walked on, Shinji watching Rei every so often, waiting for some kind of dialogue... or at least an acknowledgement. After a few moments he was forced to remember something he had to do as they walked past a clothing store.  
  
"Ayanami..." he began sheepishly.  
  
Rei stopped and turned to him, waiting.  
  
"I'm sorry... I forgot, I have to pick up some dry cleaning." his head was down slightly and his eyes aimed off to the side, trying to avoid Rei's own.  
  
"I see." she replied quietly.  
  
She stepped towards him and stopped, waiting.  
  
Shinji blinked and glanced up at her, "Uh... sorry."  
  
Rei waited and Shinji finally realized she was waiting for him to lead them. He smiled nervously and with another soft apology took them on a detour from their original path.  
  
-----------------  
  
A couple hours later Shinji was loaded down with not only dry cleaning but a bag of groceries for dinner that night, a book that Asuka had told him to get on his way home from school, and some feminine hygiene products that Misato had asked for him to pick up. He was reasonably sure Misato had insisted on him picking them up just to embarrass him, especially when she had insisted he use a coupon.  
  
"...so I have no idea why I always let myself get pushed into things like this." Shinji finally closed up his rant. He had gotten pretty nervous after Rei hadn't said anything other than a few short accepting statements to his little detours and after the embarrassment at Misato's hands he felt a bit bolder... so began talking more at Rei than to her. He had pretty much gone full circle by the time he had let her know he was done and she could resume leading him, going from Misato always teasing him and Asuka always berating him to his father's lack of morals, Hikari and Touji's perpetual near-miss love life, the growing familiarity of hospital ceilings, track 26, his recent recurring nightmare about being one of Dr. Akagi's cats, and finally getting back around to Misato's drinking habit and back to how she always teased him.  
  
Rei had listened to the whole thing intently, with her usual air of stoic reticence.  
  
After Shinji's duties were done and she had resumed the lead, to Shinji's surprise he saw they were standing outside the Katsuragi apartment complex. He glanced at Rei, confusion fairly evident on his face. 'Well, I guess this is as good a place as any to discuss whatever it is she wanted my help with.' Shinji thought to himself.  
  
"Would you like to stay for dinner, Ayanami-san?" Shinji asked with a small hopeful smile. He knew not to get his hopes TOO high, but he really wished Rei would... live more.  
  
"I can accompany you and the Major for dinner." Rei stated simply.  
  
Shinji's smile was nudged up into the red-line in terms of wattage. It was two notches lower than "impending face cramp."  
  
Shinji led Rei up into the complex and was soon preparing dinner.  
  
-----------------------  
  
"No Major, I do not think the Evangelions need..." Rei paused for a moment before continuing, "...sneakers."  
  
In her drunken stupor Misato was slurring to Shinji and Rei her "wonderful" ideas about the Evas. "No, seriously, Rei! You'd have traction! We could get you some GIGANTIC Chuck Taylors! Oooh! Oooh!" she swayed slightly as she waved her hand for emphasis, "Tying the Eva's shoes could help with coordination!"  
  
Shinji sighed and didn't even bother trying to apologize for his guardian anymore. She was now past the "Man, wouldn't that be funny?" stage of drunkeness and was well into the "It WILL work! Because physics will bend to my will!" stage.  
  
Shinji and Rei were sitting with Misato at the kitchen table and enjoying after dinner coffee while the dark-haired owner of the apartment continued to pickle her liver. After the giant Evangelion sneakers idea Shinji motioned for Rei to follow him out of the kitchen, which she did after finishing her coffee. The major continued her rant, face down at the table.  
  
"Ikari-kun." Rei stated to get Shinji's attention.  
  
"Yes?" He asked warmly.  
  
"I still require your assistance." Rei responded softly.  
  
"Oh! I almost forgot. I'm sorry, Ayanami."  
  
Rei simply walked past him and put her shoes on at the door.  
  
"Ayanami?" He called to her.  
  
"Please come with me, Ikari-kun."  
  
Shinji shrugged and after a quick glance into the kitchen to hear his guardian snoring he put on his own shoes and followed Rei out the door.  
  
----------------  
  
After leaving the apartment Shinji found out through some various well-worded questions and some pantomiming that Rei had led him there because he was carrying groceries which needed to be refrigerated. He supposed it was just one more detour to her really, although when she had thanked him for dinner he got the feeling she might have accepted because she genuinely wanted to.  
  
The night air was warm and dry. Shinji followed Rei back towards the school and was glancing up at the stars which could be seen easily with no clouds to block them from view. He was musing to himself about what a nice evening it turned out to be and then frowned slightly.  
  
"It's too bad Asuka wasn't home." he stated quietly.   
  
Shinji continued after a few moments, "I know you two don't get along..." he then chuckled and ammended, "well, I guess Asuka doesn't get along with anybody really... but..." he trailed off. Just like how he wanted Rei to live a bit more and enjoy herself and open up, he wished Asuka could... be happier.  
  
Rei stopped suddenly and to her credit hardly moved when Shinji bumped into her from behind while still gazing up at the stars.  
  
"A-Ayanami! I'm sorry, I-" he was cut off by her soft voice.  
  
"It is dark, we will need light."  
  
She began leading him off at an angle.  
  
-------------------  
  
It was nearing midnight by the time Rei finally stopped and turned to Shinji.  
  
Shinji glanced around, shining his flashlight around the small wooded area and trying to figure out what Rei had wanted him to come out here for.  
  
"Ayanami?" he asked quietly?  
  
Then he heard it... at first he thought it was the dying cry of a beached whale, but then it began to change pitch and the furious whine was interrupted with a fierce staccato.  
  
"A-Ayanami!?" Shinji asked, frantically looking around them, "W-what is that!?"  
  
Rei stood silently and aimed her flashlight at a circle of stones in the ground covered by a small wooden roof over top. From the dark blackness inside the circle Shinji could hear the sound being amplified. It bounced off the rock and burst forth through the opening as if the fires of hell were formed by sound.  
  
"TWENTY TWENTY TWENTY FOUR HOURS TO GO... I WANNA BE SEDATED. NOTHIN' TO DO AND NO WHERE TO GO-O-O-O I WANNA BE SEDATED. JUST PUT ME IN A WHEELCHAIR, GET ME TO THE SHOW. HURRY HURRY HURRY BEFORE I GOTTA GO. I CAN'T CONTROL MY FINGERS, I CAN'T CONTROL MY TOES, OH NO OH OH OH OH."  
  
Shinji gasped and ran over to the circle of stones, 'My god!' he thought, 'Asuka!'  
  
He took a deep breath, strangely enough right along with her and just as he shouted "Asuka!" she had started up again.  
  
"BA-BA-B'-BAMP, B'-BA-BA-B'-BAMP! I WANNA BE SEDATED! BA-BA-B'-BAMP, B'-BA-BA-B'-BAMP! I WANNA BE SEDATED!"  
  
"ASUKA!" Shinji shouted again with more force, trying to override her... singing.  
  
The singing stopped suddenly then after a pause, "Shinji?"  
  
Shinji called down again, "Asuka! Oh my god, what... what are you-!?" he was cut off after a moment of shuffling with a loud, "SHINJI! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"  
  
He glanced around quickly and only caught snippets of the german girl's tirade beneath him inside the dark hole as he frantically searched for something to help with. He spied a rope and a bucket off to the side that originally had been used to get water from the now dried up well. He grabbed the rope, tested it as best he could and then tied his flashlight to the end of the rope.  
  
"Ayanami! Please, bring your light over here so I can see."  
  
Rei walked over to him and aimed her light at his hands and over the lip of the well into the blackness.  
  
"WONDERGIRL is up there!? For crying out loud... WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG, WONDERGIRL!?" Shinji ignored the continuing tirade and let his flashlight slip into the dissipating darkness of the well, the light causing frantic shadows around himself and Rei.  
  
Shinji stared over the edge and with a quiet request had Rei shining her light down so he could get a look at Asuka, "Asuka! Are you alright!? What happened!?"  
  
Asuka, never the one to pass up an opportunity to point out someone elses stupidity shouted, "OF COURSE I'M NOT ALRIGHT!" and then a bit lower, "...and I don't want to talk about it." She was also not one to point out her own stupidity to others.  
  
Shinji made sure the rope made it to the bottom and then looped his end up over the crank lever above the well. "Hold on to the rope, but don't let yourself get pulled up yet. I want to make sure it will hold."  
  
Asuka growled and shouted, "It'll hold! Just pull and get me the hell out of here!" she had taken the time to loop the rope under herself and held firmly to it and the flashlight. As the rope's slack lessened she used her free hand to steady herself against the wall and crawl-walked up the shaft with the assistance of the First and Third children up top pulling on the rope.  
  
A few grunt filled moments later and Asuka lay in the grass next to a panting Third Children and a disturbingly quiet First Children.  
  
Asuka glared at Rei as she caught her breath, "GEEZ Wondergirl! I could have sent a freaking DOG after someone and gotten out of there hours ago!"  
  
Rei watched in silence as Shinji helped Asuka to her feet and got a cuff to the back of the head for the efforts. As Asuka's angry verbal (and sometimes physical) abuses faded off into the woods back towards the Katsuragi household, Rei turned to the fourth wall and quietly stated, "Woof." 


	6. Sexurity

What Gendo Wrote:

* * *

To all Nerv Personal,

Due to security regulations we will be incorporating new procedures and devices to ensure the safety of the facility. Following is a short list of attributes and rules which will be expected to be adhered to aggressively.

1) All pilots will be required to wearing a homing bracelet. (Adjustments to the pilots' bracelet will be made to ensure a correct fit)

2) All persons in the Geofront will be required to actively keep tabs on the pilots whenever is most suitable.

3) Insertion of plugs will now be done round the clock at various depths to keep the pilots trained on accepting any security breaches.

4) Living arrangements will remain as they are with Major Katsuragi, Third Children Ikari Shinji, and Second Children Sohryu Asuka Langley, sleeping together. If any of the above stated are delinquent in their duty the use of handcuffs and explicit force is praised.

5) When not in tests the pilots are expected to get along well with each other and maintain a friendly demeanor.

Please keep in mind that these are in accordance to Nerv standard operating procedures and anyone found not in accordance to these acts will be found guilty of treason and severely punished.

Ikari Gendo

* * *

What Everyone Received:

* * *

To All Nerv Personal,

Due to sexuality revaluations we will be incorporating new procedures and devices to ensure the confidence of the faculty. Following is a short list of attributes and rules which will be expected to be adhered to provocatively.

1) All pilots will be required to wear a chiming bra- (Adjustments to the pilots' will be made to ensure a correct fit)

2) All persons in the Geofront will be required to actively keep stripping the pilots when suits in.

3) Insertion of plugs will now be done round the clock at various depths to keep the pilots trained on accepting any intrusions.

4) Living arrangements will remain as they are with Major Katsuragi, Third Children Ikari Shinji, and Second Children Sohryu Asuka Langley, sleeping together. If any of the above stated are delinquent in their duty the use of handcuffs and uninhibited force is congratulated.

5) When not in tests the pilots are encouraged to cooperate with one another for mutual satisfaction.

Please keep in mind that these are accorded to Nerv standard operations and probes and anyone found not in accordance, or probed, will be found guilty of teasing and severely chastitied.

Ikari Gender

* * *

Kozou sighed and didn't even bother glancing at Gendo.

"You let the auto-correct feature correct this for you, didn't you."

Gendo shifted his eyes away from the sub-commander in an obviously guilty way, "Yes..."

Another sigh by Kozou.

"You did this on purpose, didn't you."

A small titter escaped Gendo's lips, "Yes..."


End file.
